How NOT To Lose Weight - The Single Man’s Fast Food Pizza

October 26th, 2007 | by Ginnie | (Visited 5,770 times)

Most college students have experienced one form of poverty or another during their stay on or off campus. Most will not eat at all, stick to cheap fast food or ramen, while others will be creative. Sure you can always stick to 99cent pizzas at the local grocery store, but what happens when that hunger strikes and you find yourself simply too drunk, stupid, or otherwise intoxicated to make up your mind?

Well, who says you have to choose?

Fast Food Pizza Ingredients

2 cheeseburgers from the local 99 cent menu (Many McDonalds have double cheeseburgers for 99cents)

1 Box of Chicken Nuggets from your local 99 cent menu

1 Large French Fries (which by the time they’re put on the pizza will likely have been eaten down to a medium size)

The cheapest Mozzeralla Cheese you can find

Boboli Pizza Crust

The cheapest jar of Pizza Paste/Tomato Paste you can find

Free Condiments from your local fast food “restaurant”

Preparation

Now this is where you need to put your future MBA mind to the test.

Step One: Put the sauce on the pizza, then put the burgers on the pizza

Step Two: Assemble the fries and nuggets into sections

Step Three: Cover with cheese

Step Four: Heat

Screw using the oven.. fast food = fast pizza. Just simply find the “least burnable” “flat-like” item within reach and put it over one of the eyes on the stove. Cook until cheese melts or until you eventually tire of your friend Chuck’s incessant ramblings about “what he’s totally going to do to that thing in a few minutes” or “how this is totally f*cking blowing his mind” annoy you to no end.

Grab your nearest gun and knife (to show people that blood will pour if they disturb your beastly meal) and lay out in a non-threatening yet easily accessible fashion.

Try Not To Die

This is for the man who doesn’t have time to eat several meals to reach his daily intake of calories, saturated fats, sugars, carbs, and protein. No my friend, this is for the man on the go. The man who wants to get all that in at once. The man that has no time to waste with “small fry liberal vegan bullcrap”.

No, this is not for the man looking for instructions on how to cook a delightful tofu-based healthy dinner.

This is for the man who would rather just go find a cow and take a few bites.

This is the Fast Food Pizza - the pizza no sane woman would let her man eat without first double checking for an up-to-date life insurance policy.

Krispy Kreme Burgers ain’t got NOTHING on this pizza. Hell, one of the options is to simply replace a cheeseburger with a donut. No.. this pizza is the “end game”, “game over”, “come to Jesus”. The Alpha and The Omega.

Oh yeah, and Ron Paul, Barack Obama, and anyone else relying on the “young people” to rise up and help change a nation? You better lock in your votes quickly because it’s doubtful anyone against the War on Drugs will be able to fight the temptation of this fat-laden high-caloric beast. I’ll let you connect the dots and figure out why on that one.

Tags: fastfood, pizza, hamburger, cheeseburger, fries, nuggets, health, fitness, fat